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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
Mondays should start at noon.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”