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Happy people don`t take long showers.
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...