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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!