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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.