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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.