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This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!