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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...