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Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.