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Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.