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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.