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Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.