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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
homework wont kill me, but why take the risk!
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.