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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
like this if you are against animal cruelty
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
I was told there would be kool-aid.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.