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My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My inner self is in Photoshop
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.