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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
One thing`s for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.