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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!