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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.