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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"