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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!