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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?