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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.