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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
ROFL!!….. LOL jk i’m still in my chair.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.