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Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.