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Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.