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I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?