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I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.