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Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!