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I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.