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That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.