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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.