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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
hilarious
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.