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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.