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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.