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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.