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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.