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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I`ve had enough of my neighbours blasting their music from their backyard. I`m not annoyed cause it`s so loud, i`m annoyed cause they`re Korean & they`ve still yet to play Gangnam Style!
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.