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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.