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If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.