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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?