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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.