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You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".