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Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
Tieam... problem solved
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.