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I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment