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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Chip clips are for quitters.