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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
I wouldn`t want lesbian parents. Not because I`m homophobic. I just don`t want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
How do I tell a man he loves me?
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.