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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list