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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.