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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.