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When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.