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In Store Special - "You`re My One and Only" Valentine`s Day cards... 4 for $5...
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
there is no strong beer, only weak men
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."