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Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up