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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.