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I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"