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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.