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Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"