Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener