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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
I`m starting to think all that stuff about Y2K is not going to happen !
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”