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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.