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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.