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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.