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Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”