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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.