Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?