Daily Silly Status

I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.

One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.

Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.

That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.

Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.

Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....

I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.

When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!