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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.