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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!