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It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"