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Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
Beer is good, but beers are better.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.