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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
A man is as faithful as his options
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.