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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.