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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
Real friends show me their boobs
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.