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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.