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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....