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Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species