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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.