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Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
This century is already 15% over.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.