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I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem