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Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?