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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart