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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.